Pioneers, Oh Pioneers!

Google that. It's not the 'speech' from the Levi's commercial. It's not a song or a story. It's a poem by Walt Whitman that was used by the three aformentioned items.

It presses the Youth of the 'West' to move on and fight for the future, to make the changes necessary for the world. It's symbolism for the youth of today, the leaders of tomorrow, stepping up and claiming their futures, accepting their destinies, and fulfilling their purposes. It's time to stop accepting defeat or being told we're too young. It's time to stop listening to previous generations tell us, "It can't be done," and realize that for them it cannot be done, but for us, it is merely a few steps away. We each hold within us the power to shape the world. It's time we start using those innate destinies.

I can't wait. My future is going to be big and bold. Scratch that. My TODAY is going to be big and bold.

If it's too crazy, too revolutionary, or to mind-bottling, then I fear you may be too old or to satisfied with the way things are to even begin to understand.


"For we cannot tarry here. We must march, my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger. We, the youthful, sinewy races, all the rest depend on. Pioneers! O Pioneers!"

ROLL TIDE!

Mark Ingram Wins First Heisman for UA

Thanks for a great season Mark!!! RTR! I love Alabama football!!!

Dear Santa,

I think I've been good. I have a little list for you.

1.) Navy blue Vans Authentic Lo-Pros

2.) Suede slouchy boots

3.) Bomber jacket. Not the leather kind, the knit kind...at Target

4.) Red Sox Fossil watch

5.) The cool purse and wallet at Target

6.) Twilight/New Moon/Clair de Lune sheet music

7.) The book "Shiver"

8.) Plane ticket to Cali to visit Brass and Brynn during the BCS Championship.*

*I would like an advance gift in the form of Alabama winning the SEC Championship. :D

That's pretty much all I want. I mean, if you find other things you think are awesome, that's cool, too. ;)

The Reasons for No Recent Posts

Dead Week.

This turns out to be a mythical week rumored to give Alabama students a week-long study break to prepare for finals. In actuality, it is really named "Death Week" or "Killer Week" due to professors taking advantage of the fact that other professors should not be assigning work due to the study break. Notice:Every professor on campus thinks they are the one exception to death week. This results in every professor deciding one little test, paper or presentation shouldn't be a problem. SO all of the professors on campus make this same decision based on their ego-centered beliefs that they are above the system. Awesome. I've had a research paper and presentation due everyday this week. Sounds fun, right? And it's not even finals week yet.

It's Been Too Long...

I know I keep saying that I am going to blog more regularly and fail to follow through. Believe me, I make these statements with the best of intentions, but things always surface and take so much of my time away. Let's see if we can get caught up in this one...

First, I'm going to get this out of the way. A former bandmate of mine passed away a week ago today. Sarah Anderson was driving from Montgomery back to Auburn when her car hydroplaned and flipped. She was not wearing her seatbelt and was ejected from the vehicle. When I first heard the news, I was so shocked. I don't think it really registered with me. I struggled with it all week. I would see pictures of her, or hear her name on the news. It just didn't make sense to me. She was only a year older than me. I actually KNEW her, not OF her. I had taken pictures with her, she was my drum major. It was all very surreal. My brain simply couldn't process or accept the fact that she was gone. I was unable to go home for the candle light ceremony and funeral. I wish I could have been there for those who may have needed me, but I feel that there were plenty of people there to offer support. Saturday night I got off of work and came home to watch the football game. Alabama was winning at halftime and we changed the channel to check on the other games being aired. The first channel we went to was featuring the Auburn game. I don't know what happened, but seeing Auburn on the TV and hearing their band made me so emotional I had to leave the room. I couldn't help but think of the 19-year-old piccolo player that should have been at that game. I finally came to terms with what happened, I suppose. It's the closest death has been to me. It's something I hope I never have to deal with for a very very long time--and never again under such tragic and untimely conditions.

Enough of that. RIP Sarah.

Now onto school. As of now, I'm in freak out mode. It wouldn't be as bad if one of my professors could speak English. The man questioned me on whether PESSIMISM was a word. And he answers questions, "Do you want us to write about this or this?" with a yes. Always. He just smiles and nods and says yes when obviously, yes is not an applicable answer. I have two research papers and two presentations due the week after Thanksgiving. One is worth 40% the other is worth 60%--guess which class the non-English professor teaches? HINT:If you guessed 40%, you're wrong. So I am mildly concerned about how things will turn out. I can only do my best. One research paper I have thoroughly planned out and am taking notes for now and am going to write this weekend. The other--I have no clue what he even wants. I don't know if he even knows what he wants. His syllabus is impossible to decipher. Guess which paper this one is. HINT:If you guessed the one worth 40%, you're wrong.

On a positive note, I love my music class. Pretty sure I'm gonna pull out the A+ in that one. Spanish is also getting a lot better. I found myself listening to someone speaking Spanish at Starbucks and realized that I understood everything they were saying. I've come a long way and I'm pretty proud of my improvement. Also pretty sure I'm gonna pull out the A+ in that one (and it's a four hour course! hooray for cushioning my GPA!)

And now to work...I work at Yogurt Mountain. It's really a great place and a cool concept. It can be an annoying job sometimes though. Just the usual conflicts of personalities, time, etc., to be expected at such a job. And working 'till one AM is something I don't particularly enjoy, but hey, it's going to pay for study abroad. I'm just thankful to have a job and time to work. We'll see if I still have time next semester....I'm looking at a 17 hour load.

Now we'll tackle some future plans, concoctions in my mind, etc....I applied to a HUGE Christian camp in Columbus, Texas, called Pine Cove. It's kind of a big deal and something I was mulling over for a good two weeks. Then, after some God-moments and amazing church services (which included an AMAZING Charlie Hall/Kristian Stanfill concert), I realized how much I really wanted to do it. I will find out on December 22 if I made the cut. Hoping and praying everything works out for the best outcome!

I'm hoping to get involved in the literacy campaign/group on campus. I'm also doing some research on TeachForAmerica and related organizations. I would love to do some work with Native American tribes in the Pacific Northwest. I'm really starting to realize my heart for underprivileged kids lately...

My list of places I want to spend time it, be it studying, interning, job, volunteer-work, whatever, is as follows:

1. Ireland

2. Boston--New England, really

3. Seattle/Coastal/Forest Washington

4. Indianapolis

Maybe it will grow, maybe it will shrink. We'll see where God leads me. :D

I want another tattoo. "He leadeth me" on my foot. I think it is awesome and totally captures the "now me". I want something to remember this crazy and crucial time in my life. I'm going to let it sit for a while and decide if I really want it. And of course, I will check with the parentals first.

There is so much more to write about. I'm very into the news. I watch it everyday and read the newspaper. I could comment on my feelings about Sarah Palin's issues, the whole Oba'mao' bow to the Japanese emperor (maybe he's following the lead of the American dollar to the Japanese Yen?) or the *scrunches face in pain and agony* evil empire's rise to power (World Series outcome). However, I do not have time. :( Story of my life these days. I will write again.

P.S. NEW MOON MIDNIGHT PREMIER TOMORROW NIGHT! *insert giddy squeal of joy*

I promise I'm not one of "those Twilight girls". I swear. :)

The electricity from Saturday's game can still be felt on campus. The Crimson White's front page featured a glorious picture of the block. We were talking at lunch today about how Cody must feel. There is now a group on facebook that says, "Terrence Cody Saved My Life 10-24-09". I mean, what must it feel like to know that you caused that eruption of excitement? Crazy.

I came home from studying in the library last night to discover Brass, Brynn and Grant watching Aladdin. I was so excited and joined in on the fun. The next week or two has been deemed Disney Marathon Week. Tonight is Little Mermaid, tomorrow-101 Dalmatians, Wednesday-The Fox and the Hound, Thursday-Beauty and the Beast, and I can't remember Friday. The best way to cure college stress is to revert back to things that made you happy when you were a kid. Disney just works wonders. Old school Disney, that is. They just don't make movies like that anymore. What a shame.

I keep getting migraines. I'm working on drinking more water to see how it helps. I also need to get more sleep. I have to say, I am growing very tired of having to read so so much every night. I have read six books already this semester. Though I hate all of this required literature consumption, I must say that it makes me feel very accomplished and educated. I'm reading classic, essential books that most people don't read in their lifetime. It's cool to be able to say that I've read all of these important works.

Worked out my schedule for next semester. I'm going to have 16 hours, 6 of which will be honors, 7 of which will be communications. :D I'm very excited. I can't wait to really dive into my major. I reeeaaalllyy can't wait for internships. I have my eye on a few. We'll see how it goes.

I made a 100 on my Spanish quiz!!!! I was so happy when I saw it. I'm doing better in there. My main problem is having confidence in myself, as always. I know a lot more than I give myself credit for.

A Block Party in Tuscaloosa

Going into the Tennessee game, I have to be honest in admitting that I didn't think UA would have any problems. I woke up, tailgated on the quad and went into the stadium without a worry in the world. I knew the Tide would pull through and make me proud. Then the kickoff...

The game was played so sloppy. I screamed myself hoarse. You would have thought our offense had lost their brains and bathed themselves in butter--and, in the words of Katie Fay, "SPECIAL TEAMS!!!!!!???!!!". They weren't catching or reading anything. And Mark Ingram fumbled?!? What was happening in the world? This was the first game I had been to in which Alabama did not score a single touchdown. Thank goodness Tiffin showed up and gave us four field goals, two of which were from 49+ yards away. The game became a serious matter of survival rather than previously assumed domination.

A glimmer of hope returned when Tennessee missed a field goal at the end of the half and then, miraculously, Terrence Cody blocked a field goal at the beginning of the fourth. I knew the Tide would win, but this win wouldn't be as sweet. Singing Rammer Jammer would not be as satisfying. Then, the unthinkable occurred. Our defense was totally failing against UT. They scored a touchdown in the fourth with 1:16 to go--after recovering one of our fumbles. When we were finally going to receive a kick, UT sent on on-side kick---UT also recovered the onside kick. The faces of the student section were filled with despair and agony. 48 seconds to go and UT was penalized for a false start. The clock ran down as UT gained yards and got within field goal distance.

It was in this moment that we all realized how much Alabama football really meant to us. We were mentally preparing ourselves for the loss. Some students were on the verge of tears. Hearts were pounding. Eyes were unblinking. With four seconds left in the game, UT set up for a field goal. Our hopes of an undefeated season and a trip to the Rose Bowl were quickly fading before our eyes. We cringed away almost unable to watch the inevitable heartbreak that was to follow. (Katie Fay literally could not, and would not, watch. She instead buried her face in a jacket.) The stadium roared in an attempt to distract the kicker, but at the moment of play, the stadium became silent. The ball was passed back, kicked.....and BLOCKED BY MOUNT CODY!

The chaos that ensued was an incredible eruption of emotion. People were screaming, jumping and hugging strangers. Within 48 seconds, we had all experienced extreme feelings from opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. It was entirely too much to process. The overwhelming adrenaline took over as we yelled Rammer Jammer at the top of our lungs. We walked out of the stadium filled with the electricity of our victory.

The best way to describe the immediate reaction after the game is, "It was like when you're filming something and the camera is crazy shaky"...."but really, it was God holding the world and using it as a shaker screaming, 'ROOOOLLL TIIIDDDEEEE'" (Conversation between Brass and I)

Though UA has a lot of work to do and should never, ever, EVER play a game like that again, I can't help but be proud and excited about today's game. The energy was so contagious and exciting. I have never felt so energized within 4 seconds. I love UA even more.

This is Alabama football.

P.S. I got the block on camera. How awesome is that?

I was up until 2AM again last night. It was pretty productive though. I wrote three papers and went to a required concert. The lack of sleep is catching up with me though. I meant to get up around 9 this morning but slept in until 11. That is very uncharacteristic of me. I guess I needed the sleep.

Caroline (RA on the fourth floor) wants to use our dorm for prospective student tours on Friday. Guess that means we're going to have to clean and get rid of our contraband items....hahaha

I went to Target today because I could not put off grocery shopping any longer. I was in and out in thirty minutes exactly. I was so proud. Why are ink cartridges so expensive? I think nearly $30 is a bit ridiculous.

While in Target though, I saw a little girl that reminded me so much of Lilah. She talked like her, looked like her, and went to the princess section of the toys. I started crying in the middle of Target. I guess I'm a little homesick. I've been emotional this week anyway. No clue why. Most likely due to exhaustion. Either way, I looked absolutely ridiculous all teary-eyed and red faced in Target. Oh well.

This was a very uneventful post, but like I said, I'm going to try to start blogging more. It's more of a journal for me. Sorry if I bore you!!!

Just Another Journal

The night before last, I stayed up until 5AM doing homework and studying. Last night I was up until 2AM doing the same. My classes just decided to put the bulk of the work all together at the same time. Awesome. It's ok though. I am managing it and I actually feel like a college student now. This may sound like horrible logic, but being busy like that makes me far more productive and the quality of my work improves. I'm glad it's finally getting busy.

I am not glad however, about the whole rowing situation. It made me really upset when I had to take myself out for awhile first for mono and now for my shoulder--which I am STILL waiting to hear the verdict on. I was walking around campus and saw some of the rowing girls....they got all of their gear this week. :( I miss it so much and now seeing all of my ex-teammates decked out in crimson nike backpacks, shirts, pants and shoes just reminds me of how much I miss it. But then again, I remember that God has a way of opening and closing the right doors. I can only try my best in all that I do, remain in prayer and trust that He always knows best.

He has already improved things. I got a job!!! After an entire summer of unsuccessful applications, I finally found a job. Yogurt Mountain is opening a new store in Tuscaloosa. I applied as soon as I could and got an interview and the miraculous phone call letting me know that I got the job. I start next week. I will be able to make some extra money for myself and put some away for my future and study abroad. It makes me feel so much better about myself.

Saw two good movies during study breaks last night and the night before: Dead Poet Society and Newsies. Both are very well written and produced. Newsies is a musical (which equals instant satisfaction for me) and Dead Poet Society is one of Robin Williams' few serious films. It's just an all around excellent story.

I'm going to try to start journaling everyday. I want to remember my college years, and they say journaling is just a good thing to do. (Whoever "they" are. ;))

Time to do some studying. Getting advised today. :)

Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer...

It was a cold, cold game last night, but so much fun. The Crimson Tide won their Homecoming game against South Carolina 20-6. Granted, they played sloppy and our offense could use some work. However, I wake up this morning to find a new team in the number one spot on the AP poll. ROLL TIDE!

I just need time and space to breathe.

It has been entirely too long since my last post. Things have just been CRAZY around here. Where to even begin....

Alright. I was stoked about rowing the last time I wrote. Practices were crazy intense, but I was so excited to be a part of a team and to be getting into shape. Being on the water in the shell (boat) is such a cool feeling. Rowing is definitely an under-appreciated sport. It is very very cool. Being on the river was relaxing, too. I love being outside. I almost quit, but stuck with it, even though coach was getting intense (two-a-days, 530AM and 530PM) and my times weren't exactly where I wanted them. Then I pretty much ran into the worst luck I've had in a while.

1.) My shoulder started grinding and popping uncontrollably. I didn't say anything, but my trainer noticed it while I was rowing and asked to look at it after practice. After barely touching me and watching it just pop like nothing, she taped ice on me and scheduled a doctor's visit. I went to the doctor. "Oh my. You have multi-directional instability like I've never seen before. How are your shoulders even staying in? No wonder your back hurts, you're compensating for the fact that your labrum may not be torn, but it just doesn't even work. Surgery is most likely needed." Awesome. Going for my MRI on Tuesday so we'll see how that goes.

2.)As I walk into the doctor's office for my shoulder, I notice my throat is hurting and I'm all congested. The next morning, I can hardly get out of bed and have no voice. The previous two weeks I had been sleeping an abnormal amount. My roommates basically locked me out of the dorm for fear of the swine flu. I went to the doctor, slept away four hours, and found out I had mono. Awesome. Instant 6-10 days isolation from the team. No practice. Which is an eternity in training time. This means that after all of the training and breaking and tears and sweat, I can't row this season. Because of a virus, I'm out. Kind of crushing, but I'm trying to see it as God's way of closing one door to open others. It was still hard to know there was a Regala in Tennessee that I couldn't be at this weekend. It's still hard when I see the team practicing on the Black Warrior. Things could be worse though, so I move on.

On top of all of this I had a teacher give me a 'B' on my first paper. Granted, this is an acceptable grade for most, but when your scholarship depends on your GPA and aforementioned teacher only gives four grades, a 'B' becomes quite the opposite of acceptable. He said there was nothing wrong with my paper, but he simply couldn't give the whole class an 'A'. Really? Where is the logic in that?

Then my mom gets pharyngitis after she's already been in for an infection. And I am not there to help or make sure she takes care of herself. It is the most helpless feeling in the world. THank goodness for amazing church family. So many people helped and took care of mom. Thank you to all of you. I love and miss you all so, so much.

Then you throw in little things like my internet not working when I have online classes, my alarm not going off and making me late to classes, doctor's appointments and practices. And let's not forget my recent visit and stay in the hospital for cysts in my sinuses. Add the general pressures of adjusting to college--making friends amid 30,000 people, realizing how small you are, being sick without mom, being away from my family and best friends, getting to know professors, becoming independent, finding more scholarships, finding a job, finding time for a job, worrying about money, not enough sleep--and I pretty much have reached the level of emotional/physical/psychological breakdown. It's just way too much to deal with at once. THings have gotten better, but I can only take it one step at a time, and I most definitely cannot do it on my own. Time to ramp up on my Bible and prayer time and finding the right church family.

I have been presented with amazing opportunities. I am looking at going to Tibet for two weeks this summer to teach children English and to interact with monks. I am also going to study abroad in Ireland at some point. Both of these things are so exciting for me, but require a lot of paperwork and money. I really need to get a job and find scholarships. I'm going to try to find a job up here and one back home so I can work through my long breaks at home. I'm trusting and knowing that God will open and close the doors He knows will lead to the best outcome.

Sorry for this ridiculous vent. I actually had a really amazing weekend with my best friends in Cleveland. It was so refreshing to be around familiar faces who understand me and my beliefs and actions. I love them so much. It is hard being away from them, but I have realized how much it has strengthened our friendships.

That's what I've realized about all of these events. They have all contributed to growth. My stint with rowing taught me how strong I am. It taught me a lot about myself. I can do a lot more than I give myself credit for. I appreciate my family so much more now. I take them and our relationship for granted. I miss my little brother and my munchkins. I learned that I have a lot of strength within me, but more strength in God. I don't know how I would have gotten through all of this if not for Him.

There is so much more to write on all of this, but it will have to come at another time as I really need to get a shower and go to bed. Good night and thanks for reading my rants and rambles.

Oh, Tim Tebow

OK, so I know as a student at the University of Alabama, Tim Tebow is supposed to be a curse word in my mind. So sorry to disappoint, but I happen to be a very big fan of him. He stands for a lot of good things that are rare to come by in collegiate and professional athletes. So after I read an article completely bashing Tebow and his mission work in the Philippines, I had to write down my thoughts. Here is the link to the article if you care to read it then my response:

http://jeffpearlman.com/?p=2573#comments

I would just like to point out you should really do a little more research concerning missions work. Oftentimes, missions work is done in areas of a country where there is already established Christianity, or whatever religion. Mission work isn't about educating and converting the foreign masses, it's about helping people less fortunate than you. In helping these people, you hope to be an example of Christ. Mission work isn't preaching or indoctrinating, it's doing and helping. The only way for Christians to truly love God is through loving people (aka mission work).

And those "Christians" you see yelling on street corners and handing out pamphlets are extremists. Every religion has them. It is possible to have faith in salvation without a sliver of doubt without being crazy. I was not raised in church my whole life and researched many other religions, and Christianity filled a hole that nothing else could. I find it very insulting that you assumed that CHristians only do good things to earn salvation. We already have salvation. Doing good things comes with being a Christian. Your heart feels the pain of others and longs to help the hurting. Faith without deeds does nothing for others and deeds without faith does nothing for the individual. There is so much more to the Christian faith than you are touching on. And while Christians may view people as sinners, they do not hate them, and they know they can overcome it through Christ. Being a Christian means living in love and self control. You can't judge a religion or institution by the few that act out in extreme ways. There are always going to be people who give Christianity a bad reputation, but Christianity isn't about Christians. It's about everything they are supposed to stand for--you can find these things in the Bible. Basing your opinions on the mistakes of others is truly misguided. I'm sure you don't agree with everyone assuming that all Muslims want to kill Americans. We know that isn't true. THe majority of Muslims are peaceful and wonderful people. Give Christians the same credit. Don't assume that we all want to throw our Bibles into your face and warn you of your inevitable damnation to Hell.

Being a Christian means having a higher being to turn to. It's living by an example to be an example. It isn't letting people walk all over you. It isn't beating yourself up over knowing you are unworthy of God's mercy and love-you are not saved by worth, you are saved by birth. It isn't just a ticket to heaven. It's a way of living that changes the lives of others and yourself.

I think reporters like to write about CHristian athletes because they don't come around very often--genuine ones anyway. They are trying to find that perfect example for people to live by. Is this right? No, of course not. We're all only human. But it's nice to hear about people doing good things in the world instead of pumping themselves full of steroids or getting caught cheating on their wives. Not all athletes are guilty of this, but it seems to be a recurring theme on sports news shows. They're just looking for the next big story. And if they find Tim Tebow's mission work to be newsworthy, then it's their artistic license to believe so.

busy

FIRSTS....

IV

CT Scan

MRI-MRA

Night spent in the hospital

Acquaintance with Demerol

Hospital Food

Being 'that' patient that gets on nurses nerves

Being sick without my parents

Going to the hospital without my parents

Signing all of the paperwork for myself at the hospital

Seeing a neurologist

Having a party in a hospital room

Having friends come stay with me and bring me my stuff in the hospital

Realization that I know nothing about my family's medical history

Actually scared of what was wrong with me

Walking down a hospital hall at night like in a horror movie

FIRSTS....

Tailgating on the quad

Tailgating period

Alabama football game

Hearing the Million Dollar Band

Watching the UA Cheerleaders

Seeing Big Al

Helping Big Al crowd surf

Buying a $4 bottle of water because they don't let you bring anything in

Watching sorority girls get angry they couldn't bring their cute bags in

Watching sorority girls embarrass themselves in their drunken stupor

Watching fraternity boys embarrass themselves in their drunken stupor

Singing Yea, Alabama

Singing Rammer Jammer

Singing Basketcase

Doing the kick off rooooollllll tide roll

Shaking a shaker

Trying to get out of the stadium

Trying to get in the stadium

Smelling like beer when I've never touched a drop

Watching my school's football team WIN

What a busy weekend it was.

Even Though I Somewhat Despise Gandhi...

So. Amazing church service last night. It was about not accepting God's grace in vain. It's not just for us, it's meant to be shared. We have an entire campus before us just waiting to be reached. It's up to us. We can't keep living Christianity as if it is a religion based upon self improvement. It's a religion of love--and that takes more than one person. It was just really good. I can't even do it justice with my words.

Now I'm doing all my Gandhi work which is neverending because I am studying him in two classes. Oh joy! But I came across an excerpt that was just eye opening. Personally, after further studying Gandhi, I became less impressed with him. He was not super intelligent and had many people push him to a level of celebrity that was almost misused in the name of 'religious endeavors' (or, according my perception, personal agendas). Anyways, I realize there are parts of Gandhi I am not impressed with, but his spiritual growth and self control are two very admirable qualities. He was most certainly very determined and ardent in his spiritual practices. In one portion he told of how he and a friend spent 15 minutes trying to decide how to get around using the British envelopes, etc. He became so upset afterwards because he had "wasted fifteen precious minutes on a futile discussion" and "displayed a lack of discrimination" which resulted in "stealing 15 minutes of the world's time which could have been beautifully spent on prayers."

Ok, so this is like crazy extreme, but how many times a day do we futilely waste precious moments? How many times do we ignore perfect opportunities to spend time with out creator? What if we had only an ounce of the self-discipline and dedication that Gandhi had? It just amazes me. Gandhi was so so so dedicated. He spent his entire life devoted to his spirituality. Every moment, every second, was utilized to the utmost. He had a plan and remained true to his beliefs. Are we capable of this dedication? Gandhi was as human as us. We take for granted the privilege we have to be able to talk freely with out Creator. We treat devotion time as a task, not a joy. Why? Think about it.

P.S. I'm on the University of Alabama's Women's Rowing Team. Practice has been kicking my butt, but I know it's going to be so worth it. I'm already meeting more people and realizing how far I can push myself. I'm growing even more! It's an awesome experience and I can't wait to see where it takes me.

FAIL

............................

Enough

So I've been dealing with the lonely factor a lot lately. I've realized how shy I really am and how much it hinders me form meeting new people. I felt lost in the shuffle of 30,000 people. I miss my friends that I was so comfortable with. I could talk about anything, just be me in my pj's and messy hair. I miss that. I love my roommates and all of them, but I just don't feel like I'm to that point with them. And then there's the whole dating thing. Ugh. I have no time, and I do not want a serious relationship at all, but I just miss the guaranteed companionship and closeness. I don't know. It's just been really hard.

Then I went to the Well tonight. We were singing How He Loves Us:

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,And how great Your affect

ions are for me.

Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

And it was like, I was standing there in front of God begging him. Why can't you just provide for me those people I miss? Why do I feel so alone? And for the first time ever, it was like I heard Him in my head, "Am I not enough?" BAM! I have been so focused on finding my connections I have just missed everything around me, the biggest thing being God. He is totally enough. Why haven't I seen this and leaned on him and not my own understanding? I know this. I've been taught this. I've heard it over and over and over. I guess I just grew numb to it.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places. Geez. The answer was right there on my nightstand in this awesome book I too often neglect.

Big Fish/little fish Syndrome

Today wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't a wonderful day like I've been having. I slept past my alarm--don't worry, my first class doesn't take attendance and it is music appreciation, I'm good to go--simply because I felt so crummy. I think some of it is from being tired, but some of it is just being sick. It is not the swine, I refuse to catch that. :D It's just the yuck. The extra hour of sleep helped me a lot, but I still didn't talk as much in class because my head was so foggy I just couldn't form intelligent statements. I am realizing more and more how difficult it is to stand up for your faith and beliefs in college. There are so many intelligent people that can counter arguments unlike anyone I've ever encountered. I expect this to only strengthen my ability to defend myself. It's like boot camp for believers. Every statement gets me thinking on something else and throughout the day I develop my counter statement for future reference. All of this walking around gives me a lot of thinking and God time. Everyone gets so worried about people losing their faith in the 'scary world where people drink and fornicate'. I'm so sorry, but this is just ridiculous. If you are a TRUE Christian going into college, there is no way this can or should happen. There are so many outlets to strengthen your faith and it forces you to grow.

One thing I've been struggling with lately is inadequacy. I feel like I've gone from Big Fish in a little pond to a Little Fish in a Big Pond with Bigger Fish. I don't feel like I graduated in the top ten of my class. Or at least, it doesn't matter here. My 31 pales in comparison to the numerous 33's and 34's on my hall alone. I am not in the Fellows program, I'm taking a low level math. My fifteen hours of AP credit are almost a joke to the honors kids who will be juniors next semester. I'm a public relations major. Here, it's almost something to be laughed at by all of the engineering and pre-med track people. I'm growing, but it's a slow process. I guess this is a humbling experience. I wasn't snobby or anything in the first place. I didn't like telling people my ACT score because I felt like I was bragging. I don't know. I just feel like I've been put up on this pedestal at home and I just can't live up to it here. There are so many people higher up than I am. I'm not one of the smart kids anymore. There are so many others like me and even more better than me. I've realized how shy I am, too. This makes for some lonely times.

In the midst of all of the crushing revelations, I feel the urge to push myself so much harder. I am going to be at the top, I am going to make it to where all of those other people are. I'm going to be a Big Fish again. I realize that being at Big Fish at home took away my motivation. I didn't try as hard because I didn't have to. That ends here. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. Tutoring and studying will now be part of my schedule. I'm going to get invo

lved in academic clubs and other stuff. Time and effort. That's what needs to happen. And I am going to make it happen. I won't just sit back and think about the good old days when I was at the top. I'm going to make stuff happen.

Seasons

Today has just been a really good day. One of those days where you walk out into the sunshine and say, "Hello world. You look lovely today." Haha. I really love college. It was hard to transition at first, and the homesickness was hard to overcome, but I feel like I have a second home now. The people are awesome and there is so much to do here--so much opportunity. I'm getting more independent, too. I used to hate going places by myself, but I'm ok with it now. I don't take an hour to get ready, I don't dress up to go everywhere. It sounds cheesy, but I'm really figuring out who I am and becoming more comfortable with it. Even through the stress classes can bring on, I am still happy. Well, I guess it's really joyful, because it is constant. **Side-note on the stress--it is nowhere near what I used to experience. Now it is more of a conscious awareness of trouble brought on by outside stimulus** Even the discussion on Gandhi that I helped to lead went well. I was nervous because I am the only freshman in that honors class, but I brought up points that spurred debate and got raised eyebrows form my professor. Haha. In other words, it went well and I can't wait for the next.

I have some more adventures coming my way, but I hate talking about them. Every time I talk about something exciting it never comes to pass. So I'm keeping this one to m

yself until I accomplish it. :)

I surprised mom and dad last weekend. It was great. Dad cried when I walked up. Mom was super confused. She thought I had quit college. Haha. It was a great trip and supposedly much needed by my family who had had a rough week. I'll be home again this weekend for Labor Day and family pictures! Woohoo. Ha. It's strange because I feel so torn between home and here. I miss one or the other when I'm not there. I guess that means I'm growing up?

P.S. Saw some leaves falling in the breeze today.... :D That means my favorite time of year is fast approaching!!! Cool how me and nature are changing seasons together.

More Things I've Learned at College...

21. Always take an umbrella with you. Rain or shine.

22. Do not walk on painted pavement in the rain, especially in flip flops.

23. Watch the news, listen to the weather.

24. Don't trust the weatherman.

25. Get on your RA's good side. You get popsicles and exemptions form inspections.

26. The professor is always right. If the professor says class is over at 410, but your schedule says 445, do not question his wisdom.

27. Online virtual classes-no son buenos.

28. Get involved.

29. Get used to looking rough.

There Comes a Time...

when you just can't try anymore. Some people just don't want your friendship, don't have the time to commit to a TRUE friendship, or they just don't care. I've been in the place of getting annoyed at people when they whined about not being invited. I've been in the place of just living solely for me and going for what I want, and whoever wanted to be on the ride with me, go for it, but I wasn't going to make an effort to be a great friend. I am sorry to anyone that I ever did this to. It is so selfish. In the moment, I saw nothing wrong with it. I knew that I was happy, and I was blissfully unaware of the pain I was causing to others. Now the tables have been turned, and I get to experience the other end of the spectrum. I understand that these people see no wrong in their actions; I know what it's like. They see nothing wrong in what they are doing. That's what selfishness does to you. It blinds you. Some people are actively selfish, they knowingly commit selfish acts, are out for their own good and are fully aware of what they are doing. Others are blinded by selfishness. It is almost a subconscious action as they simply remain in their state of happiness and self gratification, neglecting the others around them.

Don't just ditch people or altogether exclude them. Don't assume that people have some sort of telekinetic powers and just know when you're going out. Don't assume that after someone politely declines an invitation to go out due to previous obligations (i.e. time with family, homework, church, etc.) that said someone never can, nor never wants to go out with you. That is just an ignorant and ill-founded assumption. Grow up and mature a little bit. You never know what a person is going through and how hard your petty neglect could hit them. Think about that person sitting alone at night because all of the friends went out, whether all together or in separate groups, because the invite text was sent to all except for "the one who can never come anyways". DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK SOMEONE IS GOING TO TURN DOWN AN INVITE TO SEE FAMILIAR FACES ON A CAMPUS OF 22,000 STRANGERS EVERY SINGLE NIGHT? Honestly, let's employ some logic, and hey, maybe even a dash of compassion.

I know that it's time to just let it go and stop letting it bother me. I shouldn't let their actions bother me. If they are incapable of simple courtesies, it's just not worth it. You can't mend something that was never whole in the first place. It's just hard because they have no idea what they are doing and how they are treating others. I look back and wonder how many people I did this to. Some people say that it's just human nature to live without abandon, and no harm or foul is intended. I understand this logic. Of course, live life to the fullest, carpe diem. Only you can live your life, and only you can make you happy. But our makeup as humans has a longing for companionship. How do you want people to remember you and how you lived your life? There is a difference between living in the moment/seizing opportunity and living selfishly and without remorse to any harm done. Really, how much effort does it take? Don't drag people along on a string of false sentiments and broken promises. You can't fake it 'till you make it with friends. If someone is supposedly in your circle of close friends, is a text too much to ask? Or how about the common decency to not make bogus assumptions? That whole concept of "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." who would have ever thought it was true? Huh. Paradigm shifting, don't you think?

If you are reading this and getting offended, then you are probably guilty. You most likely do not understand my descriptions of your actions. In that case, go watch Mean Girls. See 'The Plastics'?

Insert your face. (The real one, not all the other ones you wear.)

Look in a mirror.

Congratulations.

I LOATHE

homework. Professors don't really make it easy for you to stay on top of things. It's overwhelming.

IN RESPONSE TO THE SUPPOSED 51 CASES OF SWINE FLU ON CAMPUS..

Things I've Learned at College...

1. Do NOT go grocery shopping while hungry.

2. Close the curtains BEFORE you change.

3. Stacking the shampoo bottles to make a step for your legs to shave is a no-no. The bottles are not architecturally sound and will collapse leading to legs butchered worse than before.

4. Germ X is your friend. Especially in times of swine flu explosions.

5. If you find a good parking spot--KEEP IT!

6. Don't eat salads every day. You WILL get sick.

7. Don't try to work out on the weight floor with the guys unless you have a real plan from a coach or trainer. You WILL be embarrassed.

8. Set two alarms. Just trust me.

9. Bring white or very dark t-shirts. Colored ones show sweat stains. Ew.

10. Track shorts and t-shirts are enough to live by. No need to get all cute. The boys are mean anyway.

11. Absolutely NO time for boys. At all.

12. Move for bikes. They do not move for you.

13. Neither do buses.

14. Make sure to see if the road you're trying to turn onto is a one-way. Before you turn.

15. Do NOT let people know about your ignorance surrounding the major sports teams. Just don't.

16. Do NOT wear any color combination that slightly resembles you rivalry team's colors.

17. DO bring lots of pictures and your favorite stuffed animal from home. Comfort at night.

18. Check to see the hours of the bookstores and dining halls. They do close. And sometimes early. Which leaves you hungry and without your books.

19. Remember your quarters when you walk all the way to do laundry.

20. Don't tell anyone you're a freshman.

The First Days...

Getting used to college life day by day. I'm finally getting used to the campus and even the street names which is a big deal for me!!! Haha'

I've already had some really fun times here. Target opened from 1030-1230 just for college students one night. It was a good time, even if there really wasn't anything special about it. We made it fun. It's almost been a week, but I feel like I've been here so long. I can't even remember everything unless I really sit down and think about everyday.

My first day of classes went well--no horror stories to speak of. My music teacher was playing Chris Tomlin when I walked into class (a class of 180 students!!!)--awesome!!! It really made me miss my music being in there though. I'm going to have to find an outlet. My UH300 teacher moved to the states from Germany last year. He is a former minister and still has a pretty heavy accent, but he is so enthusiastic and genuinely cares about our learning (there are only 15 people in the class). My Spanish 103 class is taught only in espanol. No english at all. Should definitely be interesting, but exciting. Today I have my international honors class. I hope it goes as well as my others. It's going to be a lot of work, a TON of reading, but I think I can manage it.

There are so many spiritual outlets on campus. It is amazing! I could find a campus ministry or church to be at every night if I were able to. I've found two that I really like, so I will probably divide my time between them. God has been so good to me in providing plenty of Christian friends and support. It is amazing. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me, it has really made a huge difference.

I still struggle with feeling lonely. It is a strange feeling being on a campus of over 20,000. There are so many people that it can make you lonely. Almost a lost in the shuffle kind of feeling. It seems like everyone already knows someone, and it's hard to wiggle your way into their group. "Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink" makes so much more sense to me now. It almost feels like I'm insignificant. I know none of this is true, and church helps me a lot with it. I know it will get better, it's just hard to take on the initial battle in my mind.

First Sunday at School

Well, I just woke up from my second night at college. I'm getting into more or a routine (sort of) and getting used to it. It was hard at first, but I know I will be fine. I had my first on campus meal last night. Woohoo! It wasn't that bad, but we didn't know that Burke Dining Hall closes at 7 on Saturdays, so we had about 15 minute to eat. Good times...:)

So on my first Saturday night at the University of Alabama, what did I do? Outrageous party? Nope. Walked across the hall to some of my roommates friends and lint rolled a rug. I know, I know. I need to slow down of this lifestyle will surely destroy me and I will become a failure or dropout. It's a problem, and I'm working to fix it. ;) The people I'm surrounded by are wonderful and welcoming. I'm excited to see what happens when I really get used to being here.

Today I have church, and the saying goodbye to the parents---for real. I've said bye like fifty million time this weekend, but they are still here and are going to church with me. I'm hoping it isn't super emotional. I haven't cried since the day before yesterday. Progress! We'll see how it goes. I'm wondering if it will feel different since I know they aren't in town, that they are four hours away. 

Time to finish my yogurt and getting for church.

The Day. And The Night.

So, today I left Baldwin County to begin a new chapter in Tuscaloosa. This past week I have been so excited, but the last couple of days my emotions really took hold of me. This morning was SO hard. I woke up early, was getting stuff ready, then dad came in my room to get a cable for my TV. He gave me a big hug and started to get upset. Then he got upset when I was saying bye to the cats. I think he's taking it harder than mom. I don't know. It's just been hard today. I really didn't think I woud be able to leave. But here I now sit in my room....

My room looks great. Unpacking and decorating was great to distract my mind. I met my roommates and some of their friends. It's going to take a bit to get into the swing of things and just throw myself into a new group, but they are awesome and fun people, so hopefully I'll transition well. I went out for ice cream with Laura and her brother Michael (who also offered a possible job at Planet Fitness). Thanks to them. I really needed that. I had some good laughs and it got my mind off of missing my family. I'm really working on meeting new people and being more outgoing. Then mom and dad left. As did my roommates. I started organizing the bathroom...then I just lost it again. I'm so excited, I really am. It's just so hard for me to let go of things. I'm so so so so close to my parents. Saying goodbye is going to be entirely too difficult. Tonight is hard enough. My first night alone. I hate being alone and it seems already that that happens often in college. I want to be independent, but I hate being alone so much. I ahte coming 'home' to no comments from mom and dad, no Louis meowing at me, no lights on. I'm sure it will get better once routines get set and people aren't doing all kinds of welcome/community service things. I hope so anyway. If it doesn't, I don't know how I will handle it.

I miss my mom and dad. I miss my brothers. I miss my cats. I miss my home.

Ex'Squeeze' Me?

Today was a productive day. I got up after a strange dream. Something along the lines of dinosaurs coming back with a Jumanji type twist. My PePaw and I hid in a cave from a rhino/tricerotops, but pepaw didn't make it. Then I ran for my life and was all alone until I found this colony of people staying in a Mall that had turned into a cave. I found people I knew, including my mom, so I texted her asking where Dad was, then I got a text from John Lennon saying my dad had died, then zombie people started to break in and I woke up to a pounding heart and sweaty palms. 

After I recovered from that glorious show from the subconsciou

s, I got up and cleaned my room and bathroom. I also called Apple and was on the phone for an hour figuring out why my computer wouldn't burn CD's. I got it figured out, thank goodness. Then I cleaned out my car and started packing things into it since my parents have decided they want to leave at 6 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING tomorrow. Oh joy.

Printed some pictures to hang up in my dorm. Then I had lu

nch at O'Charley's with Medea. That girl just makes me smile. I love her. 

On my way home, I decided I was going to go see Lilah and Liam. However, I received TWO phone calls from MUW demanding emails and phone calls to prove I wasn't going to attend this fall. I already have emailed and called numerous departments and offices about this. They were threatening that I would have to pay 5% of tuition if I didn't go onto my BannerWeb account and cancel my classes. *NEWSFLASH* I already called and had all of that cancelled, I no longer even have and ID, RAP #, or PIN! So I got transferred 5 times, eventually to an assistant registrar (the head registrar didn't know how to help me) that le

d me into a conversation that ended in tears on my end. She wanted to know who my advisor was........I DON'T KNOW! I DO NOT GO TO YOUR SCHOOL! I NEVER HAD AN ADVISOR! She proceeded to tell me that it was not their responsibility to do all of the notifications of withdrawal (WHAT?!?! IT is your JOB! I let you know, you let them know) and I would have to pay 5% of the tuition if I did not get my rap number from my advisor. She didn't know who my advisor was, I would have to do that on my own. Have a nice day. Click. Dial tone. Sobs.

I do not need that on top of everything else I am dealing wi

th right now.  An email and phone call notifying you of my withdrawal should suffice.  Dealings with every single departmental head and assistant on campus should not be necessary.

Then  go to see Lilah and Liam. It was so hard. When it came close to time to say goodbye, more tears came. It killed me to have to say bye to my little mu

nchkins. I love them so much. Lilah drew me a picture and gave me a necklace to 'put in my room and remember her'. She has grown up so much. I wish I was still that young and innocent. She told me to bend down and let her squeeze me. That's something we haven't done in ages. We used to always say that. Give me a squeeze!! I can't believe she remembered.

Well, I'm off to cram some more things into my little Scion TC. Tomorrow is T-Day. Wish me luck. 

Simplistic Thoughts from an Overloaded Brain

Packed mostly everything today. Only a few minor panic attacks.
Discovering more and more that I really am nervous. I forgot to eat today and am not even hungry.

The day after tomorrow, I fly the coop. I hope the goodbyes won't be as difficult as I am bracing myself for. I don't know how my parents are going to handle it.

I don't feel like writing my usual descriptive style. I just need to put my brain into restart mode because right now it's set to overload and it's bound to give out at some point.

Murphy's Law Applies

So I got to the hospital (dad had a check up in pcola) today with my family because we were going to go shopping and stuff afterwards. I wasn't going to go, but I really wanted to spend time with mom and dad, so I got up early and went. Hooray dedicated daughter!

I walk into the hospital, no more than 50 feet, something is pinching my hand, so I shake my bracelet, thinking it is the pinching culprit. This only aggravates the HORNET on my hand which proceeds to sting the MESS out of my hand. I then commence into a panic attack, complete with tears and a racing pulse. I've never been stung before and my dad is allergic....

Mom gives me too Benadryl, therefore I am a walking sleeper for the rest of the day. And I still can't feel my hand, except for one spot that hurts like nobody's business.

And I discovered a random strawberry on my thigh. Where from? Who knows?

Really? Who gets stung by a hornet in a hospital? Me, of course. Someone has to be living proof that Murphy's Law still lives on...

Ahhhh, se la vie. Gotta love it.

Oh. That's What That Pit in My Stomach is...

Got my MacBook and iTouch today. I am pretty much in love with them. I've been trying to configure everything and get it all situated, and I already favor it over PC. I also discovered, I have entirely to much music to transfer from my Zune and CDs to my iTouch. It's virtually an act of congress getting all of the music on it...

Packing. Oh my. I conquered a good bit of today, finally. I had to just get up and make myself do it. I think I keep prolonging it because it's just one step closer to my being on my own. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to grow up an have my independence, but I'm going to miss having mom and dad to help me out with little things. It's just strange....

I didn't think I was nervous at all. I am ecstatic, but the past few days I have not been able to eat. I only snack every once in a while. I can't even finish an apple. So I have come to the conclusion, that I have been pushing my nerves to the recesses of my subconscious. The truth is, I am nervous. I don't want to say goodbye to my parents. I don't want things to change so drastically. I mean, let's be honest. When I come back from college, it won't be the same. I will be a college kid home on vacation. I won't be Bill and Jackie's daughter that lives at home. And after these four years, I'm kind of a grown up. I'm on my own.

Ok. I've just got to stop. I'm getting emotional for the first time....

Learning to Love Me

Went swing dancing last night. I was running late because I had to do college stuff (story of my life) and get lectured by my mother on the do's and do not's of going "clubbing", i.e. do not leave your drink unattended because of roofies...blah blah blah. I know these things, I am an intelligent young adult. And swing dancing was at the American Legion--not a club. Gotta love moms though. When I finally met up with the group, I absolutely had a blast. I really want to find something like Pensacola Swing in T-town. It's fun to learn and try to dance, and then watch the people who actually can dance. Haha.

Today I went to Swaf's house to play yuck kickball, volleyball, etc. These are things that, in my mind, I absolutely love. However, you put me around a large group of people, and I tend to get quiet and shy away. These activities involve swimsuits and some form of athleticism. Neither of which am I comfortable with.

Because of these two occasions, I have discovered, that as far as I have come, I still have so much work to do on my self-confidence. I was so self concious last night. I was worried about doing everything right or looking stupid. I was so scared of dancing with guys because I'm not as small as all of the other girls, you can't really throw me around like that--not as aerodynamic. It really interfered with my having a good time. It seemed to come naturally for some girls to just get guys asking them to dance the whole time, trying new moves, being so carefree. Me, not so much. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's not. But I just see myself as, well, I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can look in the mirror and be some sort of satisified or happy. I'm going to work on this, inside and out. I'm going to work on how I see myself and I am going to work to get into really good shape. Hopefully I'll be able to see how I grow through this blog. I hope it happens swiftly, because I really want to enjoy college to the fullest.

I can't believe that I will be leaving in one week. I have so much to do that I didn't even realize. I started to make a to-do list and couldn't believe the lengths to which it grew!!! I thought I was really on task for switching schools so late, but so much has snuck up on me. I've packed and organized all of the stuff I had to buy for school, but for some reason I didn't even think about all the stuff I already have, i.e., clothes, bathroom stuff, pictures, books. And how will all of this fit into the two vehicles we are taking? Ha. I wish I knew. I have to make sure that everything I ordered online will be here in time for my leaving, which is more difficult than I anticipated. And then there are all of the people I want to spend time with before I leave. So many friends going to other schools, friends from church, friends from other colleges--I have plans for almost every night until I leave, and this is great, until I think about my family. They are the ones I'm going to be crying over when they leave. I want to spend quality time with them, too.

I'm worried that leaving will change my relationship with Lilah and Liam, my neice and nephew. Will they still like me or remember me? Lilah is about to start school. I hate that I'm going to miss out on a lot of first experiences with her. One day I'll be the cool Aunt "Chuuulsea" living in Seattle that takes Lilah shopping and has fun slumber parties and takes trips to the zoo.

I'm learning it's good to have a plan and stick to it, but you also just have to take life one step at a time. I've always tried to stay a mile ahead of everyone else, but that gets you nowhere but alone. I'm not suggesting that procrastination is the way to go, but you can't always be perfect or ahead of everyone. I'm glad I learned that. It has helped me a lot with my stress issues.

Ok. This has distracted me enough. Time to go tackle some things on the ever-growing to-do list.

11 days...

11 days until I am in Tuscaloosa, living it up at the University of Alabama. WOOHOO!!!

I cannot wait to go to school. Living away from home will be challenging at times, and I will miss my family, but I am SO ready to be my own person. I can't wait!!! Learning to cook, being my own planner/alarm clock...it's going to be a great experience. I also can't wait to kick my workouts and diet into high gear to get into the shape I was in during swim season---and better. There's going to be so much to do and experience. I want to take full advantage of all of the outdoors activities--rock climbing, camping, fishing, hiking, kayaking--I'm doing it all. And don't even get me started on meeting new people! I already have two roommates and all of their friends to meet right when I arrive. I can't wait to meet sooo many other people from different backgrounds.

I can't lie. I am a nerd, and I am also extremely excited for my classes and the learning. I think college is going to be perfect for my kind of learning--independent and involved. I was pretty set on my major being Public Relations, but now I'm also considering International Relations and Political Science. I read Sunrise Over Fallujah and loved the type of work the characters did in Iraq. I am really interested in doing Civil Affairs work with other countries. The Middle East really interests me--crazy right? I could learn Arabic and study abroad at an embassy in Europe or something. Who knows? I'm known to change my mind quite often. SO many doors are open for me, and I will probably look around into all of them twice before I decide. I can't wait to write about it and watch my growth over the year.

Indiana Trip and Ireland Dreams

Back from Indiana....what a great trip. I love my family, no matter how crazy they are. Abby and I have decided that the theme song for our clan is "Welcome to the Jungle". It is definitely more than fitting. :)

So much is going on in my family. I wish I could just take them to my church and let them hear our pastor. I feel like it would help them so much. It's so difficult watching them go through everything they go through without that support from a church family. I don't think I would be able to handle it without the spiritual support that I have. I tried my best to be a light to them while I was there. They aren't terrible people at all, by any means of measure. I just wish they could understand why we go to church and don't curse, etc, etc. One day they will know. Until then, nothing will change my feelings for them. I love them dearly--so so so so very much. I will follow their orders and I will go to school and make them proud. :)

I'm adding yet another great book to my list of summer reads--'Tis by Frank McCourt. I had to read his first novel, 'Angela's Ashes', for my AP English class and absolutely loved it. He's so straightforward and simplistic, yet so compelling and inspiring. It's a shame that he recently passed away. He was definitely on my list of people I would love to meet and talk to. His books make me want to:
1)Run towards my dreams with every ounce of strength I possess
2)Appreciate everything I have--I am SO spoiled.
3)Visit Ireland and try to find my roots
4)Study abroad in Ireland and scoop up a nice Irishman to marry...haha

FREE FALLiN'

Yesterday, July 24, 2009, I went skydiving.
I cannot describe to you the exhilirating feeling you get from the free fall. It is absolutely incredible! Even though I received a nice road rash on my calf from the rough landing, and bruises on my thighs from the harness catching, I want to go back and do it again, hopefully to get certified.

It is definitely something that everyone should experience once in their lives. It's not just the incredible adrenaline rush; it's the freedom, the weightlessness, just falling at 140mph, then drifting softly to the ground. It is so cool and quiet up there. No wonder the birds sing. There was a man there going for a dive; his picture was on the wall---from 1946. He is 89 years old and has jumped over 2,000 times--and is still doing it and kicking. I want to be that kind of older person. I think being 'old' isn't really a matter of your age, it's a matter of your attitude. I want to live life to the fullest. I believe that the greatest risk in life is the one you never take. Life is a great adventure or nothing at all. We only have so long on this planet, and I, for one, want to experience as much of it as I possibly can.

People asked me if I was scared out of my mind. My answer? Absolutely not--until they opened the door. I had mild butterflies, but I think that was mostly from drinking a Red Bull on a empty stomach (it gives you wings...get it? haha). When they yelled and opened the door to go, shock hit me and I hesitated before taking the first step to the ledge. But I thought to myself, when I am older, heck even tomorrow, won't I want to be able to tell people that I took the jump? I was not going to come all this way and be conquered by fear. I dove into the air and surrendered to gravity for a terrifyingly amazing 5500 feet free fall and 4500 feet canopy drift. And today, I was able to tell my story, my face beaming.

I want to be the person who lives with no regrets and dies with no bucket list full of unaccomplished dreams and goals. Adventure, excitment, and unique experiences await, and I won't let anything hold me back. Gravity couldn't keep me on the ground, fear couldn't keep me on the sidelines. I won't be a spectator or a fan, I'm going to be the person out there doing it all, living it up, and sharing the stories. I want to be that 89 year old man taking another jump and loving every moment.

A year or so ago, if you told my I would go skydiving, I would have laughed. Spontenaity and risk were definitely not in my vocabulary. But one day, I woke up and realized that my time is now. Every second that ticks away can never be lived again. There are no re-do's. There is no rewind button. You live it up, or wait it out. How can you live on this planet and just sit?

It's out there for you. It's waiting for you to enjoy. Get out there and experience it. What is 'it'? I don't know. The 'it' is different for everyone. Find your 'it'. Pursue your 'it'. DO your 'it'.

Amazon Bookstore

freedom in exile, dalai lahma--0.96
maximizing study abroad--10.84
ghandi,an autobiography--10.20
fragrant palm leaves, journals 1962-1966--5.90
tu diras, martinez-lage--55.00
experience music, charlton--14.99
shipping--20.93

yay amazon for college books!!! ridiculously cheaper than the bookstore.

This World is a Harmless Enigma...

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."
- Umberto Eco

So this quote is like 100% true. People around the world are constantly trying to understand everything in the world. There are aways test being done to figure out all of the underlying mysteries and secrets of the Earth. But maybe they were meant to be left a mystery. Myabe the whole world and life as we know it is like one big magic trick. If you know how it is done and you understand all of the secrets and mechanics of how it works, then there is no more magic or amazement left. No more element of surprise, nothing new left to discover or wonder about. The magic trick has been spoiled. Because the magic is not in the knowing how it works. The magic is in having no idea how the magician does it and letting yourself be amazed. Maybe we've been going about life the wrong way. It's not meant to be solved or understood totally 100%. We're not supposed to understand the unknown, we're supposed to accept the unknown. Just know that it will always be there to amaze us. Don't look at the sunset in a scientific way, just be amazed by its beauty as it streaks across the sky. Granted, we have been blessed with amazing mindpower and that knowledge and ability to learn should be put to use, but to a different extent. New discoveries and understandings of our world have brought us many good things, such as medication and inventions, but many bad things as well, such has weapons of mass destruction and biochemical warfare. So what is gained? It seems as though the positive and negative balance each other out. I love learning new things and putting my new knowledge to use, but I also love jsut to sit back and realize how infinite the universe is and how I will never be able to have a grasp of the most miniscule part of it. That is what life is about. Realizing how large it is and how small, in comparison, we are to it, yet how we can make such a big difference.

That is amazing. That is life. Stop thinking, sit back, and be amazed

Scars

So, from the depths of my ever circulating thoughts comes my newest entry. Heard a song at church that really clicked with me...here's a little bit...

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
Don't let me forget Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget The beauty in the suffering

You might not see it, but I find these lyrics so profound and amazing. We constantly face battles and struggles, be they against ourselves, others, or forces unseen. Whether you are a Christian or not, this is true. But as Christians, we turn to God and most ask, "God heal me and let me forget. Take it all away, I don't want to ever see it again." We somewhat go Men in Black style and change our whole identity, forgetting who we were and where we came from. Why on Earth would you ask for that??? If you totally erase everything bad from your memory or pretend it never happened, what have you to show for your growth as a Christian? Where is the testimony in never struggling? Then I delve more into my thinking....let's go back in time, 3 days after the crucifixion...Jesus comes back and goes into a room with his disciples. They don;t even recognize....until he shows them his scars. Thomas also has to be shown the scars upon his later inrtoduction.

"Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you,'...he showed them his hands and his side." John 20:20

What a misconception people have of Christianity. If you are a Christian, you have to be totally happy and perfect all of the time. Not true. Jesus...this amazing sinless being, conquered death and returned triumphantly, and still had scars. How can we expect to make it through life unscathed? How will others believe in us if we have no scars to show our journey? How will we learn form our mistakes if no remniders are left?? It's like a kid who hits his chin on a table and gets stitches, or gets a burn from touching a really hot stove. There is a scar left, and thet child sees it and knows, better not do that again. Being a Christian doesn't mean altering your brain to deny the pain, reality, or existence of your past hurts, it only allows you to live with it while pursuing something better. This also shouldn't be taken as "wallowing in self-pity". WHen you talk about your scars, you don't complain about it. Much like Jesus, they are a part of who you are, and people identify with it. It's hard to be helped by someone who has never been through nything. It's ahrd to relate any struggles to a perfect person. The only way someone can be truly healed is by coming in contact with a wounded healer.

A pastor speaking of a conversation with a church friend and her son..."Nearly lost him during the first six weeks of his life. They had him in Duke Hospital putting the oxygen to him as the little thing hung between life and death. I prayed to God the whole time. Told God that, if he lived, I would dedicate him to God. He's got a scar to this day on his heel where they fed him those six weeks in the hospital. Right on his heel. I look upon that scar as God's mark. When he was a little boy, I'd point to that scar on his heel and say, 'See that? It's a sign that God's got plans for you. You've been saved, set apart by God.' He's got the scar to prove it. He's a gift."
The "Big Guy" also has scars, to prove his love for you. If you don't know him, like Thomas, if you aren't sure that you believe, he'll graciously show you his scars "that you might believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name" (Jn. 20:31). "


I think this was a good one. I like it. If you don't, it's cool. Thanks for reading anyway. It's just a huge part of who I am, and this epiphany was too good not to share.