Big Fish/little fish Syndrome

Today wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't a wonderful day like I've been having. I slept past my alarm--don't worry, my first class doesn't take attendance and it is music appreciation, I'm good to go--simply because I felt so crummy. I think some of it is from being tired, but some of it is just being sick. It is not the swine, I refuse to catch that. :D It's just the yuck. The extra hour of sleep helped me a lot, but I still didn't talk as much in class because my head was so foggy I just couldn't form intelligent statements. I am realizing more and more how difficult it is to stand up for your faith and beliefs in college. There are so many intelligent people that can counter arguments unlike anyone I've ever encountered. I expect this to only strengthen my ability to defend myself. It's like boot camp for believers. Every statement gets me thinking on something else and throughout the day I develop my counter statement for future reference. All of this walking around gives me a lot of thinking and God time. Everyone gets so worried about people losing their faith in the 'scary world where people drink and fornicate'. I'm so sorry, but this is just ridiculous. If you are a TRUE Christian going into college, there is no way this can or should happen. There are so many outlets to strengthen your faith and it forces you to grow.

One thing I've been struggling with lately is inadequacy. I feel like I've gone from Big Fish in a little pond to a Little Fish in a Big Pond with Bigger Fish. I don't feel like I graduated in the top ten of my class. Or at least, it doesn't matter here. My 31 pales in comparison to the numerous 33's and 34's on my hall alone. I am not in the Fellows program, I'm taking a low level math. My fifteen hours of AP credit are almost a joke to the honors kids who will be juniors next semester. I'm a public relations major. Here, it's almost something to be laughed at by all of the engineering and pre-med track people. I'm growing, but it's a slow process. I guess this is a humbling experience. I wasn't snobby or anything in the first place. I didn't like telling people my ACT score because I felt like I was bragging. I don't know. I just feel like I've been put up on this pedestal at home and I just can't live up to it here. There are so many people higher up than I am. I'm not one of the smart kids anymore. There are so many others like me and even more better than me. I've realized how shy I am, too. This makes for some lonely times.

In the midst of all of the crushing revelations, I feel the urge to push myself so much harder. I am going to be at the top, I am going to make it to where all of those other people are. I'm going to be a Big Fish again. I realize that being at Big Fish at home took away my motivation. I didn't try as hard because I didn't have to. That ends here. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. Tutoring and studying will now be part of my schedule. I'm going to get invo

lved in academic clubs and other stuff. Time and effort. That's what needs to happen. And I am going to make it happen. I won't just sit back and think about the good old days when I was at the top. I'm going to make stuff happen.