Readers...

So, I just found the stats option on here where you can tell where your audience is from...

People from China, Israel and all kinds of places have read this thing! Crazy!

Readers form Denmark....family maybe?

Readers from Belgium...I was born there. :)

Pretty cool.

I didn't think people actually read this.

Sorry the posts are so down lately. Hopefully they'll pick up once school starts slowing back down a little bit.

Can't.

I've never said this before and truly meant it.

But right now, I can't.

I literally cannot.

I literally do not have enough time.

Not enough hours, even if I stay up all night.

I need outside hinderances and issues to leave me alone.

I want MY life back.

I want my grades back.

I want peace of mind.

But I can't.

It's all out of my hands at this point.

I want to control this.

I can't control this.

Even worse.

I should feel sad.

But I can't.

......

Every time I think I've hit rock bottom and can ascend towards the light, I get yanked downward even further.

I've been so incredibly happy. I've met amazing people that are exactly what I need right now. I know God placed them in my life for a reason. I was feeling so encouraged and positive. I love my roommates. I met a nice guy (GASP!). My family is amazing. And then these random turns of events make me crash hard from the highs.

I can't keep doing this. I can't. I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I sit at my computer and stare at my homework, willing it to be done, but not possessing the will to do it. I'm trying not to be dramatic or attention seeking. I'm trying to rationalize why I feel this way. It is not warranted. I should not feel this way. I don't want to force my problems on to other people. I want to figure it out. But I am so tired.

I don't want to be alone. I woke up today from a nap and no one was here. I don't know why that bothered me so much. But I just left because I couldn't stand being alone. Chris met me for dinner. He knew something was wrong. This isn't like me. I am NOT this girl. This isn't a usual stunt that I pull. I'm not begging for people to look at me. I'm begging life to cut me a break and let it be my turn to breathe.

I'm confused with church. I don't know what to think. I love Jesus. I believe in God. WHY DO PEOPLE DOUBT THIS?!?!? MY DATING A GUY DOES NOT EQUAL ABANDONING JESUS. My feelings about the church were stirring long before a guy ever came into the picture. I've been trying and trying and pushing and fighting to get into 'the group'. I can't. Fine, I will go try somewhere else, but I need to catch my breath and get some fight back in me. I'm spiritually exhausted. I can't just dive into all over again right off the bat. I'm jaded. I know that's bad. Guess what? I'M HUMAN. JUST LIKE YOU. I'm going to find a church. Quite honestly, it's not just my doubt in the church right now. I don't have time. Between school, clubs and situations out of my control, sometimes I can't make it on Wednesdays. I'm trying to choose between the lesser of two evils and decide what I really need the most in my life right now. Jesus and God are number one, as always. But hey, sleep is important. I can't remember the last time I got a night's sleep that constituted more than 4 hours. In the past week, I have gotten maybe 40 hours of sleep. I'm not putting things before God. I'm trying to find the right balance. I'm not perfect. I'm growing, changing and learning. I'm tested and challenged every day. I'm becoming my own person. I don't need outside judgement. Especially from the church. I'm already burned. I don't need that scar reopened. It's a big scar. I don't know what would happen to me if it was opened again.

I don't want my parents to worry. I know they will to an extent because they are my parents, but I want them to know that this is a rough patch. This is not who I am. I have not become a depressed person. I'm just going through an extended phase of life that has been very hard and is wearing on me. I'm learning to be an adult and it is an arduous process.

I miss Louis. I'm tired. I need food. I'm going to go dance ridiculously with my roommates and go to Taco Bell. I'm going to leave the issues behind for a few hours and be a 19 year old college student.

My Body Refuses to Stop

Took my bio test this morning...I'm feeling either an A or B. There were 9 out of 50 questions that I wasn't 100% on, and only 2 of those were complete guesses. I was more prepared than I thought. Thank goodness.

I also remembered at midnight that I had a five paragraph escritura due in Spanish today. Beast moded through that one, too. P.S. Got a 91 on my Intrevista. Not too shabby, I suppose.

Now I've gotta study for APR 260 and SP 201 tests. I can't really catch a break lately with school...I don't understand why. I only have 14 hours. My professors just keep tacking on more work than was listed in the syllabi.

I haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep for the past five nights. That means that in the past 120 hours, I've had maybe 25 hours of not-so-quality sleep. My schedule is off. Daytime=sleeptime in my body clock for some reason. Preparing for Spain? I have no idea. I think my body is trying to overcompensate for lack of sleep...trying to condition itself to going without rest. You know you've hit rock bottom when your body just quits trying to tell you it's tired and refuses to sleep for fear of having to wake up too soon...

Whoever keeps plugging in their router is about to get a rude awakening from me...if my internet goes down one more time...

I miss taking pictures. I think I'm going to try to post a picture a day. Maybe it will be a different blog entirely. Who knows? It's something I enjoy and I don't want to lose it. And my baby Canon is feeling neglected. (Yes, dad I know. I am going to put it to good use. As if I haven't already...*cough*multiple front page stories*cough*)

I don't miss home.

Weird. Of course I miss my family, but as far as the 251, not so much. It doesn't really feel like 'home'. I'm ready to keep progressing with life. Every time I go back it almost feels like a speed bump. It's not that I don't want to go home on the weekends, but it kind of is at the same time. I want to see my family. I hurt to see my family. But, I don't want to go back to Baldwin County. It takes up so much time and focus. I think I'm scared of getting stuck...

Skipping rock climbing today. I need to get a physical and do some paperwork for study abroad. I also am not comfortable belaying anyone in my current mental state. Exhaustion+belaying device+person's life in my hands=disastrous.

OMG DAD LOOK! I'M BLOGGING AGAIN!

Well. It's been what, two months? It's October. Life is absolutely wonderfully and beautifully insane. College has been such a roller coaster of emotions and experiences. I'm loving every minute of it. I know that I'm becoming an adult. I'm dealing with 'grown-up' issues. My next birthday, I blow out 20 candles. The teenage years are gone for me. I don't know whether to be sad or excited...I'm a little bit of both.

I'm gaining more and more direction in my life. My little stint with pre-med was short lived. Who saw that coming besides the entire world? I met a man from the US Dept. of Foreign Services and am strongly considering going into some sort of international relations field. Whether it be working with the military or government on an embassy somewhere, I really feel like that's something I could make a living out of and thoroughly enjoy. But, as we know, I tend to go wherever the wind blows. I'll let you know my revamped plans next week...

I'm not working for the CW right now. I have entirely too much on my plate. THis post is actually further procrastination on my part. I'm avoiding my responsibilities. I've got a bunch of papers and tests this week...and it's Homecoming week so I have ten glorious hours of pomping to do. I love being involved....:/

Loving my roommates and friends. I have so much fun everyday. I live with my best friends who are now like family to me. It's such a blessing that I thank God for everyday.

Speaking of God...kind of struggling with church and religion these days. Not God. I love Him, we talk everyday and I read my Bible. We're cool. I mean, He sent His son to die for me and cleanse my soul, how could I not fall in love with Him daily? Church, though. Not so great right now. I understand that there is spiritual warfare in this world, but I feel like all I'm catching lately is friendly fire. I'm being judged for no reason. I'm not accepted in the cliques. Whether they realize it or not, the people involved in this 'all-inclusive body of believers' have been pushing me away while I have been trying to push in. It's a daily struggle to not let these emotions overflow into my feelings about God. Humans are not perfect and they make mistakes. It's not God's fault. I don't want the speeches about how I need Christian fellowship. I am aware. I know these things. Right now, I need space to breathe and detox. I've gotta get the poisonous anger out of my system before I'll be ready to tackle church again. No worries. I'm still me. I'm just finding my own way...

I'm continually amazed by how God places people in my life at the perfect moments. I've met so many new people. One person is...well...pretty awesome, and I can't wait to continue getting to know him. I'll just let you fill in the blanks on that one.

Big news...I'M GOING TO SPAIN NEXT SEMESTER! Unless something goes horribly wrong with payments and paperwork this week, I will be studying Spanish Language and Literature at the University of Valencia during my spring semester. Finally studying abroad...I cannot even begin to express how ecstatic I am. I'm also pretty nervous. I hope I can do it...I mean, I hope I don't freak out and have to come home or something or totally fail at the language. Only time will tell!

Well, now I'm super distracted between skyping and chatting with people. I think I have wasted a sufficient amount of time. I've gotta hit the books so I can ace a bio exam and Spanish escritura tomorrow.

As always, I hope to write more, but I make no promises as I so often break them.

Roll Tide.