......

Every time I think I've hit rock bottom and can ascend towards the light, I get yanked downward even further.

I've been so incredibly happy. I've met amazing people that are exactly what I need right now. I know God placed them in my life for a reason. I was feeling so encouraged and positive. I love my roommates. I met a nice guy (GASP!). My family is amazing. And then these random turns of events make me crash hard from the highs.

I can't keep doing this. I can't. I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I sit at my computer and stare at my homework, willing it to be done, but not possessing the will to do it. I'm trying not to be dramatic or attention seeking. I'm trying to rationalize why I feel this way. It is not warranted. I should not feel this way. I don't want to force my problems on to other people. I want to figure it out. But I am so tired.

I don't want to be alone. I woke up today from a nap and no one was here. I don't know why that bothered me so much. But I just left because I couldn't stand being alone. Chris met me for dinner. He knew something was wrong. This isn't like me. I am NOT this girl. This isn't a usual stunt that I pull. I'm not begging for people to look at me. I'm begging life to cut me a break and let it be my turn to breathe.

I'm confused with church. I don't know what to think. I love Jesus. I believe in God. WHY DO PEOPLE DOUBT THIS?!?!? MY DATING A GUY DOES NOT EQUAL ABANDONING JESUS. My feelings about the church were stirring long before a guy ever came into the picture. I've been trying and trying and pushing and fighting to get into 'the group'. I can't. Fine, I will go try somewhere else, but I need to catch my breath and get some fight back in me. I'm spiritually exhausted. I can't just dive into all over again right off the bat. I'm jaded. I know that's bad. Guess what? I'M HUMAN. JUST LIKE YOU. I'm going to find a church. Quite honestly, it's not just my doubt in the church right now. I don't have time. Between school, clubs and situations out of my control, sometimes I can't make it on Wednesdays. I'm trying to choose between the lesser of two evils and decide what I really need the most in my life right now. Jesus and God are number one, as always. But hey, sleep is important. I can't remember the last time I got a night's sleep that constituted more than 4 hours. In the past week, I have gotten maybe 40 hours of sleep. I'm not putting things before God. I'm trying to find the right balance. I'm not perfect. I'm growing, changing and learning. I'm tested and challenged every day. I'm becoming my own person. I don't need outside judgement. Especially from the church. I'm already burned. I don't need that scar reopened. It's a big scar. I don't know what would happen to me if it was opened again.

I don't want my parents to worry. I know they will to an extent because they are my parents, but I want them to know that this is a rough patch. This is not who I am. I have not become a depressed person. I'm just going through an extended phase of life that has been very hard and is wearing on me. I'm learning to be an adult and it is an arduous process.

I miss Louis. I'm tired. I need food. I'm going to go dance ridiculously with my roommates and go to Taco Bell. I'm going to leave the issues behind for a few hours and be a 19 year old college student.