The Line Between Self-Preservation and Selfishness

My drive back to Tuscaloosa after MLK Jr. weekend turned out to be a four-hour-long God moment. There was a lot of traffic on I-10 so I decided to take the causeway. When I stopped at the light, there was a homeless man. He wasn't old or particularly nasty or sketchy. He looked like a guy that had a genuine stroke of bad luck. I felt like I should give him my McDonald's cheeseburger and extra bottle of water, but I couldn't bring myself to roll down the window. I kept thinking about the risk involved. He could be a drug addict or crazy man. He could try to carjack, rob, or hurt me. By the time I processed everything in my head, the light turned green and I went on my way. It broke my heart. I called my mom to tell her of the incident, and she convinced me that I had made the right decision and I was right to continue on for the sake of my safety. I agreed, but at the same moment, I felt so selfish.

Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing is without risk. You can almost be guaranteed that nothing God prompts you to do is without risk. There is always an element of sacrifice. If I were to go to Uganda on a missions trip, would I not be putting my life in the same kind of risk as if I had rolled down my window for the homeless man? It is a shame how cynical and jaded our world has become. It is harder to do the right thing not because we do not know what the right thing is, but because we have been taken advantage of or hurt. There is a fine line between self-preservation and inadvertent selfishness, and it is a daily struggle to maintain that balance. It's so hard to have a heart for the broken, but a head from the misused. My logic argues with my soul all of the time. To be truly selfless, you must give up yourself. Right? Crucified with Christ, all of that. Does this mean that we move as we feel, regardless of impending danger? I'm not saying to be reckless. I'm talking about situations such as the one I had with that homeless man. I have seen other homeless people before and known there was nothing I could do for them. Their problems went much deeper than thirst or hunger, and my intervention could result in harm to myself or others. In those situations, I believe self preservation prevails. But in my case, I felt differently. Helping this man was more attainable, but because of previous opinions and stories, I was too scared to try. I don't know if any of this makes sense. It's very hard to put into words exactly how I felt.

I'm going to make it even more confusing now. I found it interesting that even though I didn't take the opportunity and help the man, he still blessed me. How? Are you reading this blog? 5 seconds at a green light turned into nearly 4 hours of introspection. All because of that homeless man, I analyzed myself and my willingness to be truly selfless and help others. It inspired me to purge myself more of things that shouldn't be within me. It was a God moment.

So, because of this, I feel confident that someone came along that was able to help him, possibly even in a greater capacity than I could have. That man blessed me, so in turn, someone must have blessed him. I know God won't let him go unnoticed. I just know.

Sorry if this blog was pointless and went nowhere. It was just a big thing for me that I had to write about so I can come back to it.